This was too funny not to post!

21 Ways to Simulate the Navy Life from Home

1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbors have held for at least three weeks.

2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.

3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.

4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc)

5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.

6. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes once a week.

7. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented weed wacker.

8. Work in 19 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.

9. Sleep on the shelf in your closet removing the door and placing a curtain there instead. Have your family open the curtain every few hours while you are sleeping and say "oh sorry wrong Rack"

10. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.

12. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.

13. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.

14. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.

15. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.

16. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.

17. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.

18. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 degrees C and use only a thin blanket for warmth.

19. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from 2 to 95 degrees C.

20. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.

21. Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you know read the morning paper out loud. Be sure to have him skip over anything pertinent.